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Of Monsters and Muffins

Recently, after years of not eating many muffins because I found them boring, I tried the “Butter Rum Muffin” from a giant grocery store chain (I won’t mention names), and immediately took a liking to its unique taste. This isn’t just any old muffin! Since this amazing discovery, I’ve been eating these several days a week for breakfast.

Today, as I picked up a couple of freshly baked muffins, I was wondering what it was that tasted so good about this muffin. Did it contain butter? Was there actually rum in it? It actually tasted more like butterscotch than butter rum. So I asked the baker if she could give me the ingredients.

The list starts off innocently enough, just like any other baked product: enriched bleached flour, which of course has its own subset of a dozen ingredients, including several vitamins and something appearing to be a cross between iron and sulfur. At any rate, there are about 3.7 million ingredients so let’s move on.

Partially hydrogenated vegetable shortening. What the heck is this? First of all, why do they have to hydrogenate it? And if they are bothering to go through that process at all, why not go with full hydrogenation? It sounds a little half-baked to me.

They list a subset of ingredients for this partially hydrogenated crap, let’s see: soybean oil, cottonseed oil, and, uh-oh: PROPYLENE GLYCOL MONSTERS!! They actually misspelled it “monester” but hey, nobody’s perfect. The point is: there are monsters in the muffins!

Perhaps that’s why they can’t fully hydrogenate it. What happens if they try to? I wonder. Do the monsters get angry and revolt? Do they form a larger monster? Does the entire hydrogenation process fail? Or, do they actually add the monsters as part of this process?

This raises another question entirely. If they are monsters that fit inside of shortening inside of a muffin, they must not be very large. Are these monsters invisible, or simply microscopic? And of possibly more importance, are they dead or alive?

Wait a minute: aren’t monsters normally larger than other items of comparison? For example, if you go to a monster truck rally, which I never have but want to, you will see pickup trucks that are larger than the standard pickups driving around, unless you live in rural Georgia or Alabama.

To answer that question, let’s go to the dictionary. I prefer Webster’s online, since it’s free once again. (They tried to pull some stunt a few years ago by charging a subscription fee, and apparently nobody bought into it. What a rip-off!) Well, we don’t have to look too hard. The answer lies in the first three definitions:

Monster

1 a : an animal or plant of abnormal form or structure

b : one who deviates from normal or acceptable behavior or character

2 : a threatening force
3 a : an animal of strange or terrifying shape

So the monster doesn’t even have to be large. It could be any of those things listed above, which is worse than being just large! I mean, Kirstie Alley was large but she didn’t terrify anyone. Unfortunately I can’t say the same for Roseanne Barr.

These muffin monsters could be abnormal, terrifying, threatening, deviants! It’s a good thing that they’re microscopic or invisible then, so we don’t have to look at their terrifying shapes, which would be, terrifying!

Another question that frightens me to even ask: what happens to the monsters once you eat the muffin?

If they are indeed social deviants, what kind of havoc could they wreak after entering the body? If they’re a threatening force, will they attempt to take over the body? Will the host body then become terrifying in shape or abnormal?

I wonder how many monsters I’ve actually eaten this year. It might be helpful if the bakers would list a count of how many monsters are contained in each muffin. Then we could have some idea of total monster consumption.

If there were only 1 or 2 monsters per muffin, that amount would probably be tolerable, as small as they are. However, what if there are hundreds, thousands, or even millions? In that case, it seems they would be poised for a take over of the human host. There is strength in numbers.

And just what is the purpose behind these monsters? I came up with two theories: 1. They are implanted by Islamo-fascist terrorists as part of their plot to take over the US; and 2. George Bush, or more accurately, Dick Cheney, has required that bakers insert the monsters, which will be later used to secretly track human movements and listen to their phone calls.

At the bottom of the ingredients label, it says “may contain tree nuts or peanuts.” Like we’re really worried about nuts when there are monsters in the muffins! Look, it does contain butterscotch drops after all, which contain partially hydrogenated vegetable oil without the monsters.

In fact, the other ingredients are rather boring. At least it doesn’t contain high fructose corn syrup, which I knew already, because I’m still alive.

I think it’s time that this grocer’s bakery, and any bakery that practices inserting monsters into their vegetable shortening, should come clean and tell us what the ramifications are. What is this hydrogenation process, how are the monsters involved, and what does this mean for our personal health?

For now, I appear to be addicted to the muffins, so I have no choice but to continue eating them unless some major health changes occur. Perhaps now that the monsters have entered my body, they installed a craving for me to eat more muffins, in order to achieve a higher monster population. Once they have enough monsters on board, they will start their mutiny.

When they do take over, what will it be like? They may turn me into some giant, propylene glycol monster in their image: terrifying, threatening, abnormal, and deviant. I may be a living a science experiment, sacrificing my body for the greater good of society. If that’s what it takes to get to the bottom of this, then so be it.

Until then my friends, let’s hope that that bakeries around the country (and Bush/Cheney) will agree to provide us with the truth behind the muffin monsters. This could be a pandemic worse than the bird flu!

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8 Responses to “Of Monsters and Muffins”

  1. Angela says:

    Oh my God this is funny. Thank you for the laughs; I really needed it!! I try to warn my friends and family all the time about the Frankenfoods and I’m going to refer my people to your site…thanks!!

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