dougcooke.com

Many people have been asking about the “bitch-switch” that the US Air pilot activated in order to safely land his airliner in the Hudson River.

In modern airliners, there is an electronic voice activated in the cabin to warn the pilots of impending danger, for example, “Fuel tanks are low. Please refuel soon.”

The voice is not unlike those you have heard in modern cars, however in airliners the electronic voice uses a condescending female tone, and quickly became known as “the bitch” among pilot circles.

For example, seconds before a pilot activates the landing gear, the voice says, “please lower your landing gear,” whereupon the pilot would say, “shut up bitch, I know how to fly a plane.”

In emergencies however, there is a switch that they are allowed to engage that turns off the bitchy voice. It is obviously known as the bitch-switch.

When geese took out the engines on Capt Sully’s airbus, the bitch came on the speakers.

“Port engine out. Land airplane now. Starboard engine out. Land aircraft now. You are flying too low. Pull up. Please put the flaps down. You’re about to land in a river. Please pull up. You’re going to crash.”

Aggravated, Capt Sully wisely engaged the bitch-switch to turn off the bitchy voice that kept bitching at him, and land his plane with some peace and quiet.

“The truth is, we probably could have made it back to the airport, but I landed it in the water just to spite the bitch,” said Sully. “But the fact is, the bitch-switch is what saved us, because I couldn’t concentrate with all that bitching on the loudspeaker.”

How the geese took out the plane remains speculative. The remains of one of the geese found in the left engine was inspected, and the goose did not appear to be of American origin.  One scientist claimed the goose was a member of a known terrorist organization, but the body was too mutilated to verify.

Capt Sully also took issue with the fact that news organizations were reporting it as a crash. “That’s something the bitch would say. People don’t walk away from crashes without injury. This was a river landing. Notice how the plane was intact.”

“It’s like these people never heard of landing a plane in the water before,” he said with incredulity. “Why the hell do you think we have water landing instructions in the back of every seat? Please try to pay attention. If I had crashed the plane then we wouldn’t be here talking about it.”

In the meantime, experts continue to track a flock of geese that was seen in the area flying south at the time of the accident. The FBI has put a moratorium on goose hunting on the east coast, stating that they need these geese alive for questioning. The herd is currently still in the air over North Carolina.