Thanksgiving: Preparing for the Feast
First, we need to understand the purpose of Thanksgiving. To do that, let’s go back in time a couple centuries, before there were cars, TV, global warming, or even the internet!
During these times, the pilgrims that inhabited America could not readily have an outdoor feast without being attacked by native American Indians or excessively taxed by King George.
Thus, they held the Boston Tea Party, wherein Americans were so fed up with British customs being forced down their throat in the name of “properness” that they dumped out all the tea and proclaimed coffee the official hot beverage of the new continent.
Shortly thereafter, the first Starbucks was formed in a suburb of Boston, to ensure that people would still overpay for coffee, with or without taxation.
Now rid of the inane tea parties where old ladies raved about the latest romance novel, and rid of taxes from a snooty foreign country, Americans were almost ready to feast. But there was still one problem: the Indians.
The American colonies dispatched a man known only as the Lone Ranger to negotiate with the Indians on some kind of a truce. While meeting with the tribe, the Lone Ranger fell in love with a beautiful tribal woman named Pocahontas, who gave him a horse called Tonto. The rest, as they say, is history.
Now at peace with the natives, the American colonials invited them over for a large feast, giving thanks for everything under the sun, including peace with natives, war with England, coffee, and a new beverage called bourbon, which was discovered deep in a Kentucky well, and found to make people more attractive and better dancers.
In remembrance of this important milestone in American history, we now observe the holiday of Thanksgiving every year, with the highlight being a feast at which the main course to be served is always turkey. In the 21st we now simply refer to the holiday as “T-give.”
Nobody really knows why turkey is the main course of the meal, but legend has it that just before the initial feast, while colonists were roasting a pig on the rotisserie, a wild turkey crashed into the picnic, flapping its wings wildly and scavenging the food that the barefoot and pregnant women had slaved on all day.
Seeing that the bird was obviously crazed and possibly rabid, a man named George Washington nobly grabbed his musket, fired, and by sheer luck didn’t actually hit anyone, including the turkey, which fell into shock.
Meanwhile, a man named John Adams, known primarily for his rotundity, was playing with his kids on the lawn. At the sound of gunfire, he rolled over, instantly squashing the wild turkey. Everyone gave thanks as the turkey was hoisted on top of the grill.
The feast was held in November, and was the last time the Americans would eat for several months. Because home heating systems had not been invented, the colonists generally hibernated from December to February, at which time they consulted with a resident groundhog, who would recommend whether or not they sleep for another month.
Thus, in order to properly commemorate this feast, once must eat as much as possible on T-give, devouring turkey, stuffing, and anything else in a fashion similar to any starved predatory mammal. But how can one best accomplish this?
Three-Day Crash Prep:
In order to maximize your feast, start 3 days in advance to prepare your digestive system. Begin your day by waiting until your stomach begins eating itself. At that moment, eat as large a meal as possible, and as quickly as possible so you can pack in more food without your body realizing you’ve eaten enough already. This helps expand your stomach cavity.
After this gluttony, wait approximately 5-7 hours (this depends on the person) until your stomach again cries out to be fed. At this point your stomach may issue warning that it will begin consuming other vital organs to remain alive. Now, stuff yourself with any food that you can get your hands on, as rapidly as possible, up to the point where you begin to feel nauseous.
Repeat this process for several days. It should take only two gigantic meals per day, and you may eventually pass out after eating the second. Your stomach should now be ready for big time.
Night before the Feast:
Many people are so excited to be off of work for several days that they run out and get hammered on Wednesday night. This is a classic mistake. Under no circumstances are you to overdrink the night before T-give. This puts your digestive system in a state of disarray, ruins your appetite, and inhibits the amount of possible absorption.
Day of the Feast:
After getting a good night’s sleep, your stomach will not take long to beg you for its initial gorging of the day. It is important that you not give it anything except for some tiny morsels of empty calories such as a piece of bread or chocolate, just to keep it from eating other critical organs such as the heart.
It is very important to keep the insatiable stomach as hungry as possible until the actual time of the feast. At this point, you can relax, eat slowly, and enjoy the meal, and you will be surprised at how much turkey you can eat compared to a week ago.
By so doing, you will also be participating favorably in an important American tradition, and making your ancestors proud in the process.
Now, go forth and feast!
